A fellow who liked his drink is going out for a few swifties with a mate. Over a few pints he explains to his friend that he has to be home early and sober from now on as his wife has given him an ultimatum... if he comes home a@seholed once more she is going to leave him.
Well, one pint leads to another and soon the boys are thoroughly pissed... so much so that the troubled husband throws up all over himself.
"I cant go home like this, mate... she'll kill me" he stutters.
"Dont worry pal..." says his friend, "...put a twenty in your top pocket and when she starts off tell her you only had a couple; someone else threw up on you and gave you the twenty to pay for the dry cleaning bill. She'll buy that and you'll be fine."
So he goes home and his wife is livid.
"That's it! you useless w@nker! I'm off...!" she screams.
"Now hold on darling, its not what it seems... I only had a couple but this fellow in the pub got so drunk he threw up on me! Look... here is the twenty he gave me for the dry cleaning bill..."
"Oh!" she says. "... well why is it you have two twenties in your top pocket then? Who is the other one from... the tooth fairy?"
He draws himself up to his full height and says with as much dignity as he can muster;
"... No, darling. That was given to me by the man who shat in my trousers..."
For general talk non car related.